Staying Friends with Exs

For most of my life, I thought the mark of a mature breakup was the ability to remain friends afterwards. I assumed that two adults who had been in a committed relationship should want to retain at least part of the positive dynamic they once shared. But as I have grown up and gone through more breakups, I have learned that staying friends with an ex is a lot harder than it sounds. We broke up for a reason: incompatibility, distance, immaturity. Remaining friends afterwards requires forgiving and forgetting the flaws that drove us apart in the first place.

I have been through three major breakups. During each one of them, he or I have tried to lay the groundwork for a lasting post-breakup friendship. I believed the flaw in these relationships was our romantic compatibility. He or I expected more from the other person than they could reasonably provide without changing themselves. Unmet romantic expectations and fears of settling were making commitment seem unappealing. But we still liked each other. We still enjoyed each other's company, made each other laugh, and had some kind of intangible chemistry that shouldn't go to waste. Why couldn't we translate the positive parts of our relationship into a lasting friendship?

I still don't know the answer to that question. I do know that I have not successfully remained friends with any of my exs. We try. We try really hard. But something inevitably drives a wedge between us: an unwanted sexual advance, a misplaced reference to our former relationship, a new romantic interest. Recently, I have begun to wonder why I  have been trying so hard to hold on to relationships that I have already recognized are flawed. And I think the answer is fear.

Relationships inevitably involve more than two people. In my past relationships, I have intertwined my network of friends and family with those of my partner. I have grown close to their parents, their siblings, and their friends. An amicable breakup means only one relationships ends. I am afraid that cutting ties with an ex means letting go of the bonds I have made with his friends and family (and possibly being the topic of bitter dinner table discussions).

There is something deeply sad about losing all of those relationships in one fell swoop. Which is why, in the past, I have tried my hardest to remain friends with my exs. But those friendships have been false imitations of our former dynamics. Staying friends has made it difficult for us to move on and be honest with each other about our new relationships and insecurities. In some cases, staying friends has lead to destructive tendencies of comparing and competing.

As I embark on this new chapter in my life and move halfway across the country, I have decided to try something (or rather, stop trying something). I am going to stop trying to be friends with my exs. We can remain civil, without remaining close. We can be friendly, without being friends. And maybe we can finally move on.