Balancing Freedom and Fear

For the first time in almost seven years, I am completely, no-strings-attached single and the concept of that is simultaneously liberating and terrifying...

When my most recent ex and I broke up, it felt like a weight was lifted off my chest.  The last few months I have been in a funk. In February I endured a fairly traumatic event, and although it had nothing to do with my ex directly, things haven't been the same since. I think a small part of myself thought that if he had been more attentive or caring, this thing might not have happened to me. Instead of loving all of his quirks, I began to resent spending time with him. Every moment with him became another reminder of how he didn't care as much about me as I did about him.

When we broke up last week, I was disappointed, but I wasn't devastated. I finally realized I had put too many expectations on a relationship that had only one investor: me. Rather than investing in a relationship, I should have been investing in myself: learning who I want to be as a person, developing my voice, and discovering my passions. For seven years, I have been looking to someone else to help me grow. And that has only left me feeling lonely and trapped. With my new single status, I feel no remorse indulging in the activities I enjoy, and exploring opportunities that take me outside my comfort zone. The world has suddenly expanded beyond the limits I had set for myself.

Although I am excited about all the opportunities that come with being single, the prospect of being alone for the first time is scary. I am afraid I have lost something great. I recognize I was not ready for a relationship (my expectations were too high and we were both too immature), but when you click with someone it's hard to imagine the two of you ever clicking with other people. Every time I remember that he could hypothetically fall in love with another woman, I get irrationally hurt and angry. I remind myself of Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation when she bursts out "just because I can't go out with him, someone else can?" as if the prospect of that is outrageous. I may have instigated this break up and I may understand why it is necessary, but that does not mean it's what I want.

Moving on from someone you still love is always more difficult than moving on from a relationship that has run its course. But it is the most difficult journeys that help us to grow. This heartache and sense of rejection is a temporary wound that will eventually heal to make me a stronger woman. I just have to remind myself of that everyday until my heart actually starts to believe it.